Amy Boulevard » Life. Love. Licentiousness*

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Hmm… what makes a fear legitimate? Just because it’s perfectly legitimate to me doesn’t mean that someone else wouldn’t think it’s completely ridiculous. Heck, sometimes I think the things I’m afraid of are completely ridiculous.

Sigh.

Okay.

Fear Number One

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to have children. There’s no dedicated effort-based evidence to confirm or deny that this would be the case but it’s something that plays on my mind – particularly when I see my peers having kids. My mum had NO problems at all bearing the three of us, but her sister had a lot of trouble and apparently my grandmother’s sister wasn’t exactly blessed on the fruitful front either.

It’s not a theory I’m currently in the position to test. HOWEVER, I was with my last boyfriend for three and a half years. Most of that was entirely unprotected and, though I had a scare or three along the way, evidently I didn’t find myself pregnant. His next girlfriend was pregnant inside of six months. It kind of made me question if maybe there’s something wrong with my baby-making abilities and maybe these child-bearing hips are wasted on someone who can’t actually bear children.

I try not to think about it because people have a way of thinking things into reality, but it’s there in the back of my mind every time I see a new baby or rub my pregnant friends’ bellies. The possibility is always there. I don’t know how I will handle it if my fear proves to be valid. I’ve always said I would adopt if I couldn’t have my own, but the truth of it is that’s never been a road I wanted to take. I want to experience the joy of having my own, even if the idea of actually being pregnant freaks me out a little.

Fear Number Two

I’m afraid of anything untoward happening to the people I love. That’s probably a fairly common thing, most decent people don’t want to see their loved ones come to harm, but I don’t know… it tends to take on a morbid level of curiousity in which I mull over the horrible possibilities that could come to pass. This one I blame on spending a lot of time as an early to late adolescent reading a lot of dark literature in which the worst case scenario was usually what played out.

Particularly in the case of my mother and sister, I am very close to my family and the idea that anything or anyone would hurt them terrifies me. Not as much as it should terrify anyone who would think of hurting them, however, as I would make it my personal mission to destroy them. You do NOT mess with my family.

Fear Number Three

I am afraid of other drivers and road users, including errant pedestrians and cyclists. Genuinely, anxiety-inducing afraid of them. When I was 16, my mother’s then-partner, D, was driving me home from school. I was in the front passenger seat and it was a handful of months out from being able to get my learners permit. We were behind a white van about to pass through an intersection on a green light when an idiot teenager and his idiot friends decided to step out in front of the white van to cross the road.

The driver of the van obviously threw on the brakes, as did D. The idiot teens of course thought it was hilarious, despite the fact they’d all just dodged being flattened by a van. We hit the back of the van though (D wasn’t the most amazing driver… still isn’t in all likelihood… and he was following too closely) and it was hard enough to give me whiplash. No one was hurt beyond that – I was in fact the only one lucky enough to score a neck injury – and the damages weren’t even enough to bother with the police over but it was enough to rattle me and put me off driving myself.

I am scared of the unpredictability of other road users. The way cyclists expect that people are paying attention for them. The way jay-walkers don’t even check for oncoming traffic before crossing in some REALLY stupid places. The way distracted mothers don’t supervise their offspring near major roads. The way MASSIVE trucks will ride right up your tail end forcing you to either speed or risk being run down or off the road but a 7 ton bully. The way people would sooner reply to that text message than concentrate on the road…

All of it terrifies me and while I’m aware that still not driving at almost 26 is pretty pathetic by some people’s standards, I’ve not had an implicit need to up until this point. Truth be told, I think I could continue get away with not driving, but I must be a licensed driver (I know how to do it, I’m just unlicensed) before I have kids (providing Fear Number One doesn’t prove itself valid). Additionally my dearest friend, M, has been incapacitated by a back injury this week and on the scale of 1-10 for that feeling of uselessness, I was at an 11 when I wasn’t able to legally drive him six minutes down the road to the hospital. That was the first time I’ve ever felt guilty about not being able to drive… and also around about the time I decided that this fear needs to be dealt with.

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Is there anything you’re afraid of? What sort of an impact does it have on your life?

List 20 random facts about yourself.

Y’all ready for this? Ha.

1. I don’t like odd numbers. It’s a weird hangup I’ve had since I was about 15 (incidentally, an odd number). The only exception to this is 7 but every odd number is fair game when I’m stressed.
2. I picked the high school I went to based entirely on the formal uniform. This is why twelve year olds probably shouldn’t be allowed that much liberty.
3. My dad said my name came to him in a dream. Mum wanted to call me Emily Louise. Evidently, Dad won out.
4. In 11th Grade Art, I was one of 9 Amys. NINE. The teacher didn’t use our surnames either so you sort of had to judge which Amy she was addressing from where she was looking.
5. In second grade, my best friend’s name was also Amy. We reconnected not too long ago on Facebook – she’s still totally rad.
6. The trip I am taking to the US in May will be my first trip out of Australia ever. I am both supremely excited and anxious all at once.
7. To that end, I cannot WAIT to see New York City.
8. I am currently unnaturally obsessed with the all things orange. No idea where the obsession sprung from, but there you have it.
9. Most of my adolescence was spent being the Anti-Colour. I was chubby, black slims. Y’know.
10.  My very favourite food is pumpkin.
11. The dress I’m wearing at the moment is squashing my tatas like you wouldn’t believe. No deep breathing here.
12. I’m naturally blonde.
13. I had a massiveidentity crisis from the rough ages of 14 through 18 and went through probably 20 names in that time trying to find myself.
14. English and Drama were the only reason I bothered with high school. Words are love.
15. The longest word I could spell at age 9 was antidisestablishmentarianism. I learned it to win a competition. It’s still the longest word I know how to spell.
16. Homophone confusion bothers me more than it should.
17. I’m too quick to get defensive. It’s something I’m working on.
18. Sometimes I walk around the office because it makes me feel tall – I’m 5’7″ and wear 5″+ heels most of the time. Most of my co-workers are not particularly tall people. It’s the little* things.
19. My current perfume of choice is Fancy by Jessica Simpson. It makes me smell like a bakery had babies with a candy store. Yum.
20. I think I need glasses.

*Pun totally intended.